deep thoughts by Jack Handey

-If you loose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to loose your mind first, because then the other stuff won´t matter that much.
-I hope I never do anything to bring shame on myself, my family or my other family.
-If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that´s another weakness.
-There is one question that probably drives just about every vampire crazy: "Oh, do you know Dracula?"
-Before a mad scientist goes mad, there´s probably a time when he´s only partially mad. And this is the time when he´s going to throw his best parties.
-One good thing about hell, at least, is you can probably pee wherever you want to.
-For me, the worst thing about having King Kong walk down your street is that kids could look up and see the giant genitalia.
-There´s a world that we know nothing about, that we can only imagine. And that is the world of books.
-If you´re giving a speech, when you start out, act nervous and get mixed up a little bit. Then as you go along, get better and better. Then at the end, give off a white glowing light and have rays shoot out of you.
-I think it should be the law that if you ever get sucked up into a tornado, whatever you can grab with your hands while you´re swirling around up there, you get to keep.
-In some countries, what I did would be considered polite, especially Fartland.
-You might think that the favorite plant of the porcupine is the cactus, but it´s thinking like that that has almost ruined this country.
-A lot of times when you first start out a proyect you think, this is never going to be finished. But then it is and you think, wow, it wasn´t even worth it.
-In my next life, I hope I come back as a parrot, because I already know a few words.